yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
