coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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