i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
