Umm I'm too high to move.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
