My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
