I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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