At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
