The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
