Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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