I wish my penis had an off switch
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
