I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
