I have demons in me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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