the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
