Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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