ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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