Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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