so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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