what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
