can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
