He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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