Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
