rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
