just tell him i said nine months
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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