come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
