i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
