Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
