I could make wine with my vomit
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
