I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
