I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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