I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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