I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
