If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
