why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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