i already hear my dad disowning me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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