We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
