How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
