i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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