It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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