Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He shit in the fireplace
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
