nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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