Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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