I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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