maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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