I love black thongs
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
