I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
