making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
