I've blown a few things in my day
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
