Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
