Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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