I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
